The majority of people won’t stop to read this urgent appeal. I implore you however, if you have a heart, to take a moment to discover the vital work the NUS does across the country for vulnerable young political wannabes. If you can spare a second, please spare a vote for NUS Delegates in Need.

Alexander should have been 21 when he graduated. Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, he was the star pupil of his department, who brought happiness to those around him. His parents always had big dreams for Alexander, but fate dealt him a cruel hand. For two years, he was subjected to the brutality of the Anderson regime, and last year, after a long battle with Runnerupitis, his father, James Coe, sadly passed away. Alexander fell on hard times; isolated and alone, he tried to find work as a child soldier, a rent boy, and a drugs mule, but due to the fierce competition on their graduate schemes, all to no avail. Finally, humiliatingly, he was forced to settle for one of the most degrading means of making a living. He is locked up in a glass room for nearly seven hours a day as an SRO for the amusement of students, on the slave-wage of £19,000 a year.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

For as little as one vote, you can help liberate Alex from this living nightmare, and send him to the protective safe space of the NUS conference. Just one vote could set Alex free from the eternal torment of irritating meetings about renewable energy, mountains of paperwork, and Emma Sims.

Until the international community comes together to overthrow Anderson, the least we can do is come together to provide a future for the beardy man-children displaced by this conflict. Please, help someone like Alex today, and call 0151 794 6868 to pledge your vote now.

 

All Yasmin ever wanted was to lecture people about free speech. Vibrant and upbeat, she dreamt of bringing her message to those less enlightened than herself; of making them understand that they, too, were allowed to say whatever they wanted, provided their views were the same as hers. But life wasn’t all she thought it would be. People disagreed with her. She had to rely on favourable write-ups in The Tab. At her lowest ebb, she was even forced to pen opinion pieces for The Sphinx.

Nobody need suffer like Yasmin has suffered.

By giving her just one of your votes, you can help Yasmin and others to become NUS delegates. With a mandate of less than 0.1% of the student body, she can go to conference and meet people just like her. There, not a harsh word need be uttered, to ensure everyone is safe. In fact, no one need say anything at all, because in this blissful place, all opinions have been pre-approved, removing the need for speech. She can happily jazz-hands her way through life towards that Guardian column she’s always wanted, and will never have to come across challenging opinions again. To make this dream a reality, go to www.liverpoolguild.org/vote/ordont/whatever , and please give what you can.

 

James is a Social Justice Warrior, which (now I think about it) seems a rather aggressive term for a movement which has no place for violent white men. This upright young boy has only ever wanted to usher in a world where universities are powered by wind energy, which in turn blows through the mighty forests, knocking the money that has been growing on the branches to the ground to pay for tuition fees. It’s so little to ask for, but James is a dying breed. The days of students caring about true justice are over, as years of progressive politics and Made in Chelsea have lulled them into a lobotomised stupor. James is alone. He cannot create his utopia without your help.

Please give whatever votes you can, and send James to the NUS conference. He will be among his own kind, and together this band of brave neurotics can happily talk about building a new society, liberated from the evils of democracy, meritocracy and free trade, where the views of the tiniest minority are held up as sacred whilst the majority are cowed into submissive silence. Here, he can shout ‘Tory scum’ at any one he pleases, pontificate on the arms trade, NHS and the burning need for gender-neutral cycle lanes on campus, and espouse loony-left views all day long.

We need your intervention. Don’t let James’ flame go out.

To vote for James, all you have to do is stand outside the Liverpool Guild of Students, bang on the doors, hold up placards, and sulk until you get your way, or alternatively, tweet @liverpoolguild and include the hashtag #voteloony.

Thank you.

 

The author wishes to make it clear that there were other candidates running for the role of NUS delegate, but they just weren’t worth poking fun at. In addition, someone else wishes him to make clear that the above article is in no way representative of the the NUS, the Guild of Students, the candidates, their pasts or any of their views. Categorically, he is being forced to admit that no one mentioned has ever applied to become a drugs mule and that James Coe is alive and well. He also wants to inform you that, if for some reason you now feel inclined to vote, the ballot closed on Friday.

You didn’t miss much.