cancer pic

Is everything trying to give us cancer?

There seems to be more and more news articles (*cough* daily mail *cough*) suggesting that pretty much everything in our modern way of life is carcinogenic. Could it be that some of these newspapers are trying to use sensationalist headlines about cancer as a shameless tool to get more readers? Not only do I think that this is insensitive to a lot of people suffering from cancer, and those who have lost loved ones to the disease, but I also think a large portion of what is reported is complete rubbish backed up by very spurious science. With that in mind I am going to run you through a typical day in my life to see just how many things are insidiously trying to kill me.


06:45 – Wake up: I didn’t go to sleep until 1:30am which means I’m already off to a bad start as apparently lack of sleep will increase my risk of developing cancer.


07:00 – Breakfast: a full English is out of the question as sausage and bacon have come under fire recently for their carcinogenic vibes. I opt for a healthy green kale smoothie, however the pack says the kale is unwashed and may contain pesticides, which according to the papers may increase your risk of developing cancer. I bite the bullet and drink the disgusting healthy smoothie praying the benefits outweigh the cons.


07:30 – Shower: and the brand of shower gel I use contains sodium lauryl sulphate (as most do) which supposedly undergoes a heavily carcinogenic manufacturing process. I’m already feeling like everything is out to get me.


08:00 – I cycle into university because not exercising may cause me to gain weight and therefore increase my risk of cancer. I get stuck cycling behind a bus for the whole journey chugging on exhaust fumes, which as we all know are carcinogenic and may increase my risk of developing cancer. Cycling has also been linked to developing prostate cancer, I’m beginning to regret not getting the bus.


08:30 – I arrive at university and decide to buy a coffee, which I need in more ways than one. Apparently caffeine has been shown to reduce the risk of developing various types of cancer, including prostate, so hopefully my Americano will undo some of this morning’s damage.


10:30 – I’m feeling peckish after my disappointing, snot coloured, liquid breakfast so I decide to have a granola bar, it’s in a green pack with pictures of the countryside on it so it must be healthy! No. Turns out they are high in fat, high in sugar and high in salt and yes you’ve guessed it, foods high in these can supposedly increase your risk of cancer.


12:30 – Lunch time: and trying to be healthy I have opted for a salmon sandwich. The salmon is smoked which is bad news for me as smoked foods have been associated with an increased risk of developing cancer, typical. Not only is the salmon smoked but it’s also farmed, meaning it may have more carcinogenic properties as there has been controversy in recent years about the level of cancer causing toxins in farmed salmon compared to wild. I also have a banana which is supposedly radioactive but I’m past caring.


15:00 – Gym: after my brush with so many carcinogenic agents I decide that some exercise is in order, as whilst the coffee may be protecting me from cancer I feel like the amount I have drank is going to make my head explode (and I’ve developed a twitch). Thankfully exercise has been found to reduce cancer risks and there is not much in the gym that is trying to give me cancer. Phew!


18:00 – Dinner time: I have been persuaded to get dominos, we all know where this is going, processed meat, red meat, and synthetic cheese blah, blah, blah. I have no regrets.


19:00 – The salt content in the dominos has made me clinically dehydrated and I need water. This has presented me with a problem, as some sources say that plastic water bottles can increase cancer risk and others say that depending where you are in the country the impurities in your water supply can increase your risk. I go for tap water as I find the notion that it is carcinogenic too ridiculous… I also don’t have any bottled water.

tap water

20:00 – After such a life threatening day I decide to have a beer, I figure I’ve been exposed to so many carcinogens already a few more won’t make much difference. I feel slightly better when I think to myself that I have not consumed vegetable oil, margarine or cigarettes and that I don’t live next door to a nuclear power station.


21:00 – Bed: that’s right, I’ve been scared into going to bed at 9pm. I just hope my duvet wasn’t manufactured using cancer causing dyes or colouring agents. Hopefully a good night’s sleep will ready me for tomorrow’s onslaught. Good luck everyone.


This article was written in jest and everything I found was from newspapers and not from bonafide scientific resources. However, in all seriousness I do believe it is important to try and minimise your risk of developing cancer wherever possible, my advice would be to live a healthy lifestyle (within reason, don’t become a monk) and don’t believe everything you read in the papers.